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Archival Abby
Abby's Bio
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Shoes
You can love panties AND shoes, right? If you're looking up skirts, you can't miss the shoes!
I have a shoe fetish. Not in the classic sense of the word. No, I
haven't transferred my sexual objectification to shoes. And I don't
receive any sexual gratification from having sex with shoes. I do get
plenty of plain ol' gratifying gratification from them, though. I love
shopping for them. I love buying them. And I love looking at them.
Which, unfortunately, is what I do most. You see, as a woman who wears
a rather science fictionesque size 12, I am severely limited in the
shoes I can buy and wear. Thus, I am limited to looking. And wishing.
All this observation has led to a keen understanding of mankind—and,
more specifically, womankindÑbased on their footwear. Yes, I can
tell everything I need to know about a person by what they've got on
their feet. Rule breakers and homemakers, trendsetters and go getters,
cruisers, boozers and losers all transmit loads of information about
who they are, when all they're conscious of is keeping their feet
protected from the heat, the cold and hazards like broken glass. Well,
that may be what they're thinking about, but not me. I'm busy sizing
them up by their shoes. The first thing you can tell about a person by
their shoes is how much they care about what others think. Are their
shoes clean and polished? Or are they stained and ratty? Are the heels
all rounded and shoddy? Chances are, if a person isn't paying attention
to what's carrying them through their day, they don't pay much
attention to anything else. Next come the sweeping generalizations. A
woman in running shoes who obviously isn't out running is trying her
best to communicate, "Hey, I'm athletic! And I'm trying to take care of
myself." When in fact the woman is more likely to be bench pressing
quarts of diet soda and boxes of lowfat cookies. Never trust anyone in
running shoes unless they're actually running past you.
The woman in shoes that can't be called anything other than
"comfortable," such as Earth Shoes, may not be uncomfortable, but she's
probably carrying a whole lot of emotional baggage. Shoes that look too
sensible send the message that she won't be shaving her armpits for
anyone, even you. And she won't be compromising her radical political
beliefs, either. Don't expect a medium rare steak from her and,
whatever you do, don't take her hunting. Nope. This one is an earth
mother. Proceed with caution.
Ever since the preppie craze back in the 80s, you can't assume a woman
in loafers or Topsides is an heiress. But you can bet she's a bore. You
won't be swingin' from any chandeliers with a chick in boat shoes.
She'll bake brownies for you and make sure your garden looks great, but
any gal who has pennies visible in her footwear is also gonna cost you
a pretty penny. That's right. She's got big expectations. With boat
shoes you need a boat, no? And a loafer indicates some loafing may be
in order. Which means you're gonna be working your ass off supporting
this babe. Of course, your sock drawer will be extremely neat and your
ties will be lined up by color.
Next up the shoe scale come the sensible pumps. Unfortunately, for many
women, these are a necessity. Sensible pumps are acceptable footwear
for a number of vocations, thereby making them almost a uniform, the
way wingtips might be for men. They simply cannot communicate
personality. But they can let you know what the woman does for a
living. And what she doesn't do. You can safely assume that a woman in
sensible pumps does not pump gas. Or oil. She may pump her boss, which
may someday lead to her being able to wear the aforementioned loafers
or boat shoes. But more likely she's a secretary, a mid-level
executive, a salesperson of some sort, or any other of a number of
bland, boring nine-to-five jobs. You won't be finding any sort of
extensive creativity in a woman with sensible shoes. And no outrageous
personalities, either. No strippers. No artists. No saucy
restauranteurs. If you're looking for a solid, predictable woman who
won't run off with the guy who parks your car, stick with the women in
sensible pumps.
Ah, and what about the hipster? Although there's a higher incidence of
the hipster in urban, metropolitan areas, you can find her anywhere.
Her shoes don't look like anyone you'd find down at the mall, or
anything like anyone in your family might ever wear. In fact, you may
find yourself wondering, just where the hell DID she find those shoes?
They're made of fake leopard skin, or the heels are see-through. They
may have really high platforms or weird buckles and straps. Whatever it
is that sets the shoes apart also sets the woman apart. She's not like
every other broad and she wants everyone to know it. Don't try any
standard pick-up lines on this one. She's already heard them all.
Better to let her overhear your references to backpacking through
Nepal. Or renovating a loft in a newly gentrified neighborhood. And she
won't be overly impressed by your job at H&R Block, either. Even if
she's an accountant herself, wearing shoes that scream "designer" in an
attempt to escape her own tedious existence, the last thing she wants
is dull.
Now, what about those dangerous shoes? The shoes that teeter on
too-high heels? Shoes that shimmer, sparkle or shine? Strappy sandals
that tie up the calf or thread sensuously through well-manicured toes?
If the first thing you think of when you spot a woman's shoes is
"Va-va-va-voom!" put your brain on red alert. Chances are this woman
has a line of suitable suitors about a mile long. And she doesn't come
cheap! She takes great care of herself and expects her men to, also.
And believe me, the plural here is correct: men. Because a woman who
wears dangerous shoes is just that: dangerous. And she won't settle for
just one guy. Why should she? She's such a catch that every guy who's
dating her is happy to be one of many. Grateful, in fact. And every one
of the lovesick suckers is waiting and hoping that eventually, if he
treats her well enough, better than all the others, that maybe, just
maybe, she'll dump all the rest and make him Mr. Lucky. But can you
blame him? Because you're seconds away from lining up right behind the
rest of the suckers yourself, right? Well, don't say I didn't warn you.
More of these dangerous shoes to beware of: red pumps with heels over
four inches high, anything with a Chanel logo—a real one, though, no
fakes, stilettos of any shade, shape or form, high heels made of satin
or cotton (Imagine walking down the street in them. They'd get filthy!
Which means you'll either be carrying her or escorting her in and out
of expensive limos.), and, lastly, any pair of shoes that look
virtually impossible to walk in. Because, as with the previous pair, if
the shoes are hard to walk in, the woman won't be walking. She'll be
"travelling." And you'll be footing the bill. Of course, she'll be
worth every dollar. Because any woman who wears dangerous shoes has
worked very hard to cultivate this image. And that, no doubt, includes
some extensive sexual training. So, if it's that chandelier swingin'
you're in search of, this chick's the one. Just remember you might not
be the only one.
Which kind of brings us back around again to sensible shoes. And this
time I don't mean Earth Shoes or navy pumps. No, I'm talking about
shoes like the Doc Marten boots that are currently in vogue. They're
cute, they're comfortable and they can be extremely sexy with, say, a
pair of really short shorts. They come in plaid, paisley and every
color of the rainbow, so a woman can really express herself. Just think
about unlacing them very slowly, caressing her calves while you tell
her everything you have in mind for her. And how about those Hush
Puppies? All of a sudden your grandfather's favorite shoes are the
hottest things on the street. Imagine a woman in a slinky pair of silk
slacks with a pair of daringly shaded Hush Puppies; she's not only
obviously willing to experiment a little, she won't be cranky about
sore feet.
Slip on, slide in "mules" have made a comeback, and I think men should
be thrilled. They show off more foot than other shoes and to me, they
say, "I'm easy!" Not easy in the sexually available sense of the word,
but easy as in easygoing. These shoes are no-nonsense. No fussy buckles
or ties and nothing to tangle with if you're looking to get the gal out
of her shoes. If ya know what I mean. They can be kicked off in seconds
and slipped back on just as quickly, lending them a kind of kinky,
clandestine quality. Nothing's more mouthwatering than watching a woman
flipping through a newspaper at an outdoor cafe, dangling her slip-on
by one toe. Yum!
That old 70s staple, the platform, has made a welcome comeback, too.
Not only do they give everyone a boost in height, but they make every
pair of legs look that much more shapely. Whether they're t-strap
sandals, kicky ankle boots or platforms masquerading as
professional-type shoes, the woman wearing them is saying, "Whee!" You
can bet she's got a great sense of humor. And if she's in platforms,
it'll be that much easier to sweep her off her feet.
Of course, you've gotta be careful. Sometimes even the most staid
secretary steps out in silver stilettos. And after a weekend in
skyscraping high heels, a stripper might shuffle to the shopping center
in an old pair of Earth Shoes. So to be on the safe side, after
studying a woman's shoes, study the rest of her, too. Because once you
get to know her, well, you can buy her any shoes in the whole world! |