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Novelty Panties
A Round-Up of Frivolous Underwear
Chances are, if you've picked up this magazine you've got a passion for
panties. Plain and white and pristine. Sexy and silky and soft. Ruffly
and frilly and flirty. Panties come in a million different styles, and
they all are capable of making the heart race. But one's pulse can be
ratcheted up a few extra notches when the panties are extra special.
And that's what novelty panties are all about.
Victoria's Secret may sell an assortment of cuts and styles, but they
don't carry anything as naughty as the crotchless models from
Frederick's of Hollywood. And I'm not talkin' about models without
crotches, here. No, I mean the overtly sexual undergarments meant to
torture and tease all you men out there. For what other reason could
there be for panties that don't cover one's privates? Well, silly,
there simply isn't one! The one and only purpose of crotchless panties
is to enticingly frame a ladies short and curlies--or if she's hip and
with-it, as so many of the current porn stars are, her brazenly shaven
snatch. If you're lucky enough to catch a cutie bending over in a pair
of these evil undies, you'll be treated to the sight of two sexy strips
of frilly lace showing off nothing but bare, exposed skin! Scandalous!
And downright mouthwatering, too, I might add! So here's to
Frederick's, for designing drawers that don't serve any practical
purpose, other than pleasuring the gentleman admirer.
Probably more popular, yet equally as frivolous, are the undies
destined for ingestion. That's right: I'm talking about Edible
Underwear. Long a staple of bachelorette parties and bridal showers,
these candy-flavored seat covers get your taste buds involved in the
foreplay. Take them out of their tacky, disco-'70's box and you'll find
two tricky triangles of pseudo fruit roll. They're easy to install:
just tie them at the hip with the ribbon-like strands. I happen to
think that when improvements are made, licorice rope might be a good
idea. Once you've got your sweetie inside these sexy sweets, you'd
better get down to business tout de suite, because they do tend to
melt. In fact, when I took them for a test drive myself, the moment my
honey applied his tongue to the tasty treats, the thin sheet of
edibleness became one with my little treat, if you get my meaning. This
required much snuffling around for gooey balls of cherry flavored
panties that eventually became quite tangled in my pubes, leading to
more giggling and impatience than general pleasure. In the case of
edible undies, there's more to the novelty than the actual panties, and
they might be better off left in the box.
Not satisfied with gratifying our taste buds alone, those professionals
out there in wacky panty development have recently come up with a new
addition to the line of novelty underwear. Franties are fragranced
panties, as in scented, to satisfy one's sense of smell. Initially I
had a problem with this proposition, that being the same argument I
have with all those feminine hygiene products that claim to make a
woman feel fresh. They're all based on the perpetuated myth that a
woman should smell like something other than a woman in order to feel
clean.
Well with Franties, they've taken that concept one step further, by
putting the pretty fragrances right into the actual underpants
themselves. Designed in both bikini and high-cut, for the more modest
of the olfactorily challenged, Franties come in a variety of scents:
Revel in the splendor of Romantic Rose! Flashback to days at the beach
with suntan oil-scented Taupe! Seduce with the mystery of Midnight
Bouquet! Or smell good enough to eat with flirty French Vanilla! Each
scent features a corresponding color, so you create a mood both
visually and, um, nasally. Frankly, I think these Franties are the true
definition of frivolous. Women who tried them out were quoted as
saying, "The fragrance was so strong the first day that it was a little
embarrassing." Evidently one of her coworkers was sniffing around and
caught a whiff of her Taupes. "You smell like suntan lotion," he told
her. Yikes! But not as embarrassing or off-putting as those other evil
feminine odors, one might assume. And "I washed them before putting
them on and the scent was still a little too powerful." Proving that
even if it isn't a feminine odor a woman is emanating, her crotch can
be a little too strong.
Oh, it's just too easy to make tasteless jokes about these Franties!
And even if one enjoys wearing pre-scented underthings, these aren't
exactly the most attractive panties I've ever seen. Fashioned from
shiny Quiana-esque fabric, each pair is emblazoned with the Franties
logo right smack in the front. The secret fragrance pack, or whatever,
is beneath the little heart-shaped patch, so to get the whiff it's
necessary to suffer with the logo. The press package for these panties
seems to think Franties are womankind's answer to the bother of
continually putting perfume samples or sachets into their lingerie
drawers. But doesn't slipping free perfume samples into your drawers
sound like a less expensive (and not-so-overpowering) way to smell nice?
A recent arrival in my X-rated mail box was a pair of Private's Latex
Erotic Wear crotchless panties. Those folks at Private really have
branched out, from videos to sex toys, right into my underwear drawer!
I was a bit excited at the prospect of rubber panties, probably because
if I follow the line of logic that says what I wear under my clothes
can make me feel secretly sexy, then if I'm wearing nasty rubber
crotchless panties, I'm REALLY gonna feel filthy!
Well, maybe, but on the steamy summer afternoon I tried them on, they
only made me feel sweaty. Which, I might add, could be a real turn on
in certain situations. They also made me feel tight and toned and all
tucked in, which, for me, contributed greatly to their allure, and more
than offset the discomfort of sweat. Hey, beauty is pain! They smelled
great (if you enjoy the scent of Latex) and felt all smooth and soft.
Plus, with the complimentary bottle of Latex polish, I was able to make
them really shiny and sexy! Latex is all the rage these days, and this
little addition to one's wardrobe is an inexpensive way to test the
waters without getting all wet. So to speak. And I shudder to think how
powerful they would make me feel, knowing that underneath my sensible
suit, I'm wearing naughty erotic rubber that leaves my little goodie
waving in the breeze! Yee-ha!
The final category of novelty underwear is the most novel of all,
especially if you consider that for holidays, the stationery stores
sell what they call novelties. That's right, holiday underwear! And in
this area, the undies aren't just for women! I've seen his-n-hers sets
for the nuptial couple: frilly bridal white for the lady and an
abbreviated version of the tux for the groom. Some of them even play
"Here Comes the Bride" when you, um, press the button. At Christmas
there are protruding antlers for guys, which may be a tad threatening
to any man not completely secure in his particular protrusion. There
are dimensional jingle bells as well as the button-pressing, "Jingle
Bells"-playing variety. And since everyone's a sucker for Christmas,
Frederick's usually offers a wide assortment of Santa's Little Helper
ensembles that you wouldn't be caught dead in at the mall! Personally,
I've had my eye on the red velvet pair with the white fake fur trim.
It's really a shame that so few people would see them . . .
My favorite holiday is Halloween--no religious overtones, no credit
card bills from overspending on presents--and the Halloween undies are
awesome! There are glow-in-the-dark skeleton skivvies, which are a real
blast in the bedroom, or the less spooky bone-on-black boxers for that
X-ray effect. But the best are the Jack-o'-lantern shorties that say
"Possessed" on the waistband. I bought a pair for my trick-or-treater
last Halloween and he wears them year round.
Lately I've noticed an exciting trend in the world of underwear: rock
and roll bands have started printing their logos onto panties. Almo
Sounds recording artists Garbage, dinosaur rockers KISS and upcoming
acts Hot Damn and The Pristeens have been hawking cotton bikini panties
with band logos across the butts, so fans can proclaim their enthusiasm
in yet another direction. Perhaps they've been inspired by all the
silly drawers that have become available in recent years--most notably
from the folks at Joe Boxer, who continually strive to provide the
world with whimsical underwear.
I guess what it all boils down to is that for those of you true panty
fans out there, novelty undies are a very good thing, indeed. For they
tempt the wearers to give us a flash and a laugh, to share their
secrets with a smile. So whether it's a whiff of Midnight Bouquet, a
taste of Wild Cherry or just a little jingle, you can thank the makers
of frivolous novelty underpants for giving you just a little more than
you expected!
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