Warp Factor 69!Starring: Vicky Vette, Gabriella Dreams, Katie Morgan, Malibu, Rita Faltoyano, Randy Spears, Mike Horner, Steve Austin, Slick Rhodes, Dick Smothers, Kyle Stone, Ron Jeremy and Sophia. Plus one apparently uncredited gentleman…
Directed by Cash Markman
Will Appeal To: Trekkies and porn fans with a great sense of humor!
From: Platinum Blue Productions
Har har har! Oh oh oh! Whew, I can’t remember when I last got to combine my guffaws with my wanking! This comical flick allows you more than ample opportunity to chuckle out loud in between your pud-pulling. And millions of trekkies have been waiting decades for this!
First, an overview. As for the talent, the babes are all grade A porn bitches: teased porno hair, well-manicured nails, black false eyelashes and gorgeous! There are fake boobs and real ones, so it ain’t all poke-you-in-the-eye plastic. Nice! And the dudes are mostly well-worn veterans, which works here, since they actually have to deliver lines. And oh, man, those lines! The script is high hilarity, parodying old school Star Trek with gems like “To boldly cum where no man has cum before!” To be honest, I’m not sure anyone under 30 will be able to appreciate the jokes unless they’re hardcore Trekkies. But if they can appreciate hardcore sex, they can always just fast forward through the dialogue.
Though why miss the best parts? The sex is mostly the standard suck, lick, screw, but it’s wrapped around ridiculous special effects, bad puns and obscure Star Trek references. Spears is especially riotous, capturing William Shatner’s kooky cadences and macho swagger perfectly.
Okay, okay, let’s warp speed ahead to the sex!
In scene one, Captain Quirk is the first crew “member” to get shtupped. No surprise there! Katie Morgan has been asleep for 200 years, so she’s good and horny. As she was sucking his cock, I had to pause the action: Is it just me, or is Randy Spears looking particularly…hot these days? I must be losing it! His chest, stomach and, um, pelvic area are tanned and taut, with just the right amount of body hair. Hmmm, maybe it’s been too long between trips to the Holodeck for your dedicated Editrix. Anyway, he gives her head and then docks his cock in her twat, eventually launching his load onto her space age tits.
Rita and Malibu get it on girl-girl style in Sick Bay, with “Boner” watching eagerly. Malibu has pierced bits that Rita flicks with enthusiasm before they swap spots and we see Rita’s amusing little swath of pubes. Soon, wide pussy will be everywhere, I swear! Her tits are real, too! Yummy! In fact, she’s totally delectable, if not too swift at delivering her lines. Her accent is a bit of a handicap…but those beautiful eyes and those bountiful boobies! Okay, where was I?
Gabriella is Lieutenant U Whore-a and she narrowly avoids a gangbang on the bridge, taking on only one crew member. Her gen-you-wine real boobs bounce real nice-like as she bounces on the guy’s cock. He spews his load in her mouth; hmm, could this be a new trend? Could be that he’s a new stud; I don’t recall seeing his name in the credits…
Katie transforms herself into Vicky and puts the moves on Ron Jeremy, who still has one of the hardest dicks in the biz. He’s Harcourt Fenton Balls (anyone remember Harcourt Fenton Mudd? Have you been drinking again?), leader of this harem of deep-space-freezed horny starlets. They fuck on a rock – a very authentic-looking Star Trek rock, quite obviously fake – and he explodes all over her face and in her mouth. The guy’s girth – his belly’s not his cock’s – will make true Trekkies take heart; in the future, hairy fat guys can get the hot porn babes!
The last scene has Katie seducing Horner as Mr. Sperm (Spock) with a surprise come shot – AND a surprise ending that leaves everyone’s thighs wide open for a sequel. As they say in the entertainment industry, this one’s got legs! If you’re on a five-year mission for smut that will crack you up, I recommend Sex Trek and all its subsequent sequels!
[Written June 2007]