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Hookin' Up
From Porno Jim
Starring: Page Morgan, Simone Valentino, Riley Mason, Brina James, Zak Sabbath, Tommy Pistol and Kenny.
Directed by Porno Jim
Will Appeal To: Jaded porn watchers, early-20s audiences, hipsters and fans of Suicide Girls
From: Silver Age Productions
2007
More and more often, I’m friends with the people who are directing the
porn I review and this time it’s hitting really close to home. I’ve
known Porno Jim since before he was even Porno Jim; he shot photos for
my fanzine, Porn Free, more than a decade ago. Over the years he’s
created the Porno Jim persona, first for shooting those pix and then
for his stand-up-type schtick riffing on what makes good porn. He
coined the phrase “Because America Needs Better Porn” and has been
informing and entertaining audiences with exactly what that means—to
him and to them—around Manhattan for years. So, first came the persona,
then came the shows, then came the pod cast; now there’s Porno Jim the
director. And Hookin’ Up is his directorial debut.
As with all reviews I wind up doing of my friends’ work, I was hoping
like hell I’d actually enjoy the damn thing because I’d hate to have to
say it sucked. I’m pleased to say I wasn’t disappointed. The box cover
copy reads, “Looking for a porn movie to watch on a date?” and we’re to
believe that this is the perfect date movie. Of course, that’s assuming
you’re dating someone who’d actually enjoy watching porn. In the way
that Candida Royalle’s movies are perfect “entry level” porn for people
who haven’t seen a whole lot of porn—if any—Porno Jim’s video is,
indeed, the perfect date porn flick for a generation who’s grown up on
Maxim, Suicide Girls and Google-able alt porn for every niche.
The vid opens right on sex, an obvious plus: Zak Sabbath is fucking
Page in a Brooklyn loft apartment. She’s a great cooer; when he goes
down on her you’ll be convinced she’s enjoying herself. Her nipples
perk up and she bucks erotically. They screw in numerous positions: her
on top, him on top and so on. When they get into doggie style, he slaps
her ass a few times and then spills his load all over it. Yay!
The plot is that it’s Page’s twenty-first birthday and the next scene
is her party. I instantly recognized the space and just about every
extra in it; it happens to be a friend’s loft where I’ve spent many an
after hours escapade. The performers, including Tyler Fyre, are also
friends of mine. Nice to see Jim giving them movie works! The rest of
the flick bounces between the party and sex scenes in which our party
guests hook up, as the title suggests.
In scene two, Simone and Riley hook up and make out like bonifide bi
babes. Simone goes down on the hot brunette. Mmm, Riley is a cutie! Her
tight little ass is delicious and adorable…you’ll appreciate the great
views of it as she gets busy fingering Simone, giving as good as she
received. They’ve both got great boobs, too—real ones! Yummy!
Kenny and Brina go back to Kenny’s place, where the red head
voraciously sucks his cock. He goes down on her, too, before they fuck
a while, with all kinds of oscillating boobage. My complaint here is
that I would’ve loved to hear her moan a bit more; she was a bit too
silent for my taste. She sucks him some more and jerks him off till he
comes. (I was hoping for the copious amounts, as I’d seen in Avenue X,
but alas, it was only a standard “issue.” Heh.)
Riley promises to get Page laid for her birthday and Tommy Pistol is
the eventual present. The three of them go back to Page’s apartment for
an action-packed three-way that practically looks like a Twister game.
They change positions and partners every few seconds which surprisingly
makes it appear more realistic. Riley and Tommy show the birthday girl
a great time; Riley fingers her with a blinkie ring that cracked me up
and Tommy licks her pussy like there’s no tomorrow. There’s double
sucking and a daisy chain, much nipple sucking and kissing. There’s
even a girl-girl 69 until Tommy jumps in to insert tab A into slot B.
Or was it C? The scene is good and long, with nice shots, occasional
close-ups and so much maneuvering it’ll exhaust you. Tommy eventually
comes down Page’s throat and their afterglow is spent giggling
together, during which Tommy enthusiastically blurts, “That was the
best sex of my whole life!”
Okay, so in summation? This definitely is a great date flick if your
date likes porn. There’s none of the usual porno clichés to
irritate or distract: no hooker heels while screwing, no fake tits or
pumped up porn dudes, no laughingly bad bedspreads or wall art, and no
mind-bogglingly extreme close-ups. But probably the best thing you
WON’T see in this movie is all the completely improbable positions
you’ll see in mainstream porn. It was SO nice to not see one scene of a
girl standing on a guy’s thighs with the camera inches from her twat.
Can’t say I missed it one bit. The lines are all totally believable, as
are all the people in the movie. Impressively, the lighting is
excellent. Having been on a porn set, I know first-hand that lighting
sex is tough so I was surprised to see that Jim got it so right on his
first try. It’s very natural and realistic, even the on-set prop lights.
The clothes are cool, the makeup is as well, and all the sets are as
real as can be ‘cause, well, they’re actual peoples’ apartments.
Friends’ of mine, in fact! I especially appreciated the appearance of
gnomes in the sex scenes. A caveat: this could actually be classified
as “burner” porn, because the extras and non-sex performers are all
burners. That’s why the blinkie ring cracked me up. The gnome is a
Gnome Camp gnome. Hah!
Another obvious reason this might make a female date happy is that the
women wind up getting way more attention here than in regular porn. And
when the guys do get to fuck, they fuck like machines. Congratulations
to Jim on his first foray into fuck flicks! May there be many more.
[Written July 2007]
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