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XXX-Rated T-Shirts
I'm with Sexy! A Handy Online Shopper's Guide to the Sexiest, Sassiest Shirts on the Internet
Everyone loves a comfortable t-shirt and shirts with clever quips,
quotes or slogans have been fashionable for decades. From political
statements to silly stuff like “I’m with stupid,” people love to wear
their sense of humor on their chest. Over the past few years, however,
not only has the marketplace of ideas expanded exponentially to include
literally thousands of different designs, things have gotten
considerably more…profane. I recall wearing a “Fuck art, let’s dance”
shirt from the ska band Madness back in the early 80s and getting some
pretty nasty looks—on a college campus! Now you can find 4-letter words
just about everywhere. Urban Outfitters has clothed a whole new
generation in shirts so convincingly retro that it’s tough to tell the
difference between the real vintage jerseys and the faux, all with
cutesy-wink-and-nod double entendres and sexy come-ons. Even toddlers
are wearing smartass t-shirts these days and your grandma probably has
a pair of panties that say “Don’t mess with octogenarians.” Here are a
few web sites that sell the sassiest shirts out there:
OBNOXIOUSNESS ON YOUR CHEST
Tshirt Hell is the best in the business with possibly the widest array
of offensive shirts. Broken up into two categories, Hell and Worse than
Hell, they even have a Baby Hell line that includes such alarming
infant wear as “All daddy wanted was a blowjob!” and “I enjoy a good
spanking.” And, proving that they’re completely insane, these guys are
braving the fury of jihad by depicting the prophet Muhammad. From the
ridiculous “We love you short time” and “I shaved my balls for this?”
to the sublime “Who needs big tits when you have an ass like this?” and
“If this is on your floor tomorrow…we totally fucked (now go make me
some breakfast, bitch)” to the truly objectionable “Mary was only a
virgin if you don’t count anal” and “Pedophiles are fucking immature
assholes,” this is THE web site for apparel that will piss people off!
www.tshirthell.com
Busted Tees is giving Tshirt Hell a run for their money and doing a
good job with the visual puns. Their “I’d Hit That” shirt with goofy
piñata graphic gave me a chuckle. Playing off the currently
popular acronym MILF (Mother I’d Like to Fuck) they have SILF (Sandwich
I’d like to fuck) and GILF (Grandma I’d like to fuck) with suitably
ridiculous illustrations. These shirts are far less likely to earn you
a punch in the nose.
www.bustedtees.com
T Shirts That Suck is another site trying to get a rise—heh-heh—our of
people. The somewhat philosophical “Every time you masturbate, God
kills a kitten” and hilarious play on words of “My girlfriend can’t
wrestle, but you should see her box!” both require quite a bit more
thought than most, while “As seen in porn” inside a TV Guide-like logo
will no doubt elicit immediate guffaws. But perhaps wearing “Does this
shirt make my crotch look big?” will make women check out your package!
www.tshirtsthatsuck.com
Psycho Therapy Clothing is giving a whole new dimension to t-shirt logo
“lunacy” with their line of shirts that highlight “your favorite and
most popular mental conditions.” Some of them are fairly tame, such as
“antisocial” or “emotionally unavailable.” But their sub-sets of Sexual
Therapy shirts are a bit more racy: “oral fixation,” “penis envy” and
“nymphomaniac” pretty much tell it like it is! Going even further into
deviant behavior, their Alternative Sex Therapy shirts are “for
those who need a little extra discipline:” “masochist,” “fetishist” and
your choice of “dom,” “dominatrix” or “slave” will let folks know
exactly where you stand. You can even wear your sexual persuasion on
your chest. Guys can pick from “gay,” “homo” or “homosexual” and the
ladies have even more choices: “dyke,” ”lesbian,” “lesbo,” ”butch,”
“fem” or “lipstick lesbian.” You know you’ll get more dates with
“bicurious” across your boobs but I’d really like to see a straight guy
wearing a shirt that says “drag queen.” These shirts are all no-frills,
one font and right to the point. If only sexuality were this simple!
www.psychotherapyclothing.com
The smartasses at Prickwear.com are climbing on the politically
incorrect bandwagon with their “No means eat me out first” and
marketing to the egocentric with “I’d fuck me.” These shirts are
obviously designed for the brave and ballsy. But I found myself
especially touched by their pillow case with BITE HERE emblazoned
across it. Finally, linens that pretty much guarantee that chick will
be a one-night stand! Or of course you could sport “Friends who care
share!” with an international three-way symbol. The online sales
caption reads “Isn’t that why women have two holes?” Hmm, no, it’s so
they can give birth to more politically incorrect t-shirt designers.
Prickwear is precisely right!
www.prickwear.com
I found the hilarious wares of Dangerous Breed at a Lower East Side
street fair. Their Gaza Strip Club design has elicited dozens of smiles
when I wear it around town, along with “Where’s that?” queries from the
clueless. They lean more in the political/global direction, with the
silly “Saudi Arabia: Sportsman’s Mecca” and eco-friendly “Jesus Hates
Your S.U.V.” The far more subtle “Petrosexual” is bound to attract
knowing glances from only the most desirable date-ables, since it will
appeal to people who are actually smart! Whichever shirt you choose,
you can bet it will probably prevent you from being waited on in any
restaurant between California and New York.
www.dangerousbreed.com
And for a whole new concept in sexuality on shirts, the people at
Kodesex have come up with an alternative to that whole hankie code
thing. They’ve developed gorgeous graphics that will telegraph your
sexual preferences to potential mates and dates. You start out by
choosing between the basic three designs: “I like to get or receive,”
“I like to give or offer” and “I like to give and get.” Then you build
on that by plunking a graphic in the center that signifies, say,
spanking, swapping or sadomasochism. You can even find partners with
particular religious beliefs; Pagan, Islamic, Jewish and Christian
“logos” are available. What, no atheists? Well, they’re still somewhat
new. So send them your specific desire and perhaps you’ll soon see it
transformed into an easily recognized graphic that will help you
identify suitable suitors from 20 paces. Better yet, once this trend
catches on—or should we say IF it catches on?—it’s conceivable that a
whole underground of apparel might arise. But perhaps the most
interesting facet of this is, well, what if we all knew what everyone
wanted from one moment to the next? I don’t know if I’d want to wear
the same shirt every day, or even ANY shirt every day, but maybe we’ll
wind up with some sort of digital read-out that will let people know
what we’re in the mood for at any given moment. And maybe we’ll
have the people at Kodesex to thank for pioneering the visuals!
www.kodesex.com
OTHER SUGGESTIVE SHIRTS
The crew at Vagenius Clothing is replacing snide slogans with a
wink-and-snicker. Their company name and logo is enough to give people
pause—and get you a double-take. Boy shorts panties for ladies are
emblazoned on the ass with “Position Yourself.” An innocent silhouette
of a waif smelling a flower has a sexy, 70s love-in vibe. Even their
logo is clever; it’s a V-shaped twist on the mud flap girl. Their web
site encourages customer participation; write in with your snappy
slogans. Maybe they’ll say, “That’s vagenius!” and put it on a pair of
panties.
www.vageniusclothing.com
You can wear your heart on your sleeve and your politics on your shirt.
But with PTeam’s apparel, you can wear your pussy on your chest! If you
do, we can guarantee you’ll get plenty of double-takes and probably a
few “cat” calls! This adorable line of sporty casual wear will
definitely let everyone know which team you’re playing on. I have a
special fondness for hoodies, especially if they have the word pussy
across the front, but I figure I’ll attract more attention with their
deeply plunging scoop-neck t-shirt with Team Pussy in rhinestones
spread from one nipple to the other. They also carry girlie boxers and
comfy drawstring warm-up pants for you extreme relaxers out there, with
more designs on the way.
www.pteamstore.com
With all this obviousness about, I can’t help but be inspired by the
artwork on Courtesan Clothing’s shirts. I’ve written about them before;
their 60s and 70s inspired psychedelic designs are lush and lovely and
only subtly sexy. Their initial line was so well received that they’re
rolling out a whole new set of similarly subtle shirts, as well as
button sets “for nouveau punk rock pervs” and more impertinent panties
to complement the “mike hunt” design from the debut line. Keep an eye
on their web site for new stuff every few months.
www.courtesanclothing.com
If you’re ready to swear off sassy t-shirts AND porn, you can find a
safe haven at the “Christian porn site” XXXChurch.com. They offer free
software that tracks your porn consumption patterns and reports them to
your “designated accountability partners.” Hmm, sounds kinky! Anyway,
even if you aren’t a believer, you’ll feel like a REAL smartass wearing
their shirts. “Porn Sucks” is a guaranteed conversation starter and
will, well, separate the men from the boys—and the porn fans from the
porn foes—before you waste any time with lame pick-up lines. But their
“Jesus loves porn stars” is flat-out hilarious regardless of which side
of the pro/con-porn line you’re on!
www.xxxchurch.com
These are, obviously, just a few of the hundreds of companies churning
out shirts that speak for you. If you really have something to say,
there’s always a Sharpie, iron-on letters or specially treated paper
that you can feed into your ink-jet printer and transfer onto your tee!
Whatever you do, be prepared for the response, whether it’s a raised
eyebrow, a proposition or a slap in the face. Don’t say we didn’t warn
you!
[Written Feb. 2006]
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