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The Single Male
Not Allowed! A humorous Look at the Dreaded "Unescorted Male"
Ah,
the single male. Those two words sound like poetry to the single
female. If he’s a doctor, it will thrill all the yentas. If he’s
basically breathing, it’s nirvana for “women of a certain age.” A
single male is the goal if you’re cruising the internet looking for
dates, a husband, a one night stand. But when it comes to swing
parties, “single male” suddenly sounds like a curse. Or worse.
Even the most mild- and well-mannered men have been known to become
slobbering, blathering, bumbling idiots when they suddenly find
themselves at a sex party. Faced with naked babes and spread legs,
their will power and their composure evaporate. Their jaws hang open.
Sweat springs from their brow. And their hands move involuntarily to
their genitals, where they often remain all evening, stroking
mindlessly like a monkey in a cage.
They hang in doorways and hover, inching closer and closer to the
action until they’re practically part of the action, their wank-weary
erections perilously close to, like, your ear or some other
inappropriate body part. They become mumblers, unable to carry on a
civil conversation, their eyes darting to the dude getting his dick
sucked and no doubt wishing it was him instead. And who can blame him?
You give them the rules, explain the etiquette and admonish that
anything other than exemplary behavior will be met with a boot in the
ass—right out the door. They’ll nod and reassure and promise to
maintain, but they lose it as soon as someone starts getting screwed.
Thus, almost every swing, play or sex event basically bans the evil
“single male.” Cause no matter how vehemently you disabuse him of the
notion, the single male still believes—if not in his heart, then
definitely in his loins—that he’s gonna get lucky. He’s gonna hook up.
He’s gonna find himself on the bottom of a pile of writhing naked
bodies or between two hot young buxom blondes. He’s gonna wind up the
unwitting participant in a wild daisy chain, having the best sex of his
life. The only problem is that the chances of that actually happening
are, well, just about zero.
It’s partly a question of numbers. Even if there are more single women
than men, those women will be integrated into someone else’s sex scene
far more easily. But mostly it’s a situation about behavior. The exact
behavior I’m talkin’ about here. So thus, the dreaded “No single or
unescorted males allowed.”
The ban sometimes results in the single male’s engaging the services of
a professional. If you can only get in with a date and you don’t have a
date, well, why not buy a date? Better yet, you’re buying a date that,
by definition, is guaranteed to put out. Unfortunately, this not only
goes against the spirit of the rule, it completely obliterates the
reason for coming as a couple: hooking up with another swingin’ couple
and possibly creating a relationship for future hook ups. Bob and Carol
got it on with Ted and Alice. If it had been Bob and Carol and Ted and
his hooker, things probably wouldn’t have been as successful.
So what’s a single guy to do? Well, you can always bring a blind date.
Tell her you’re going to a cocktail party and act all shocked and
surprised when—gasp!—people start shedding their clothes. Chances are
you’ll never see her again, but ya never know! She might jump right
into the action! Or it could be a scene straight out of “The Graduate.”
If nothing else, you’ll know right away if she’s adventurous. Or you
can bring a close female friend. Promise you’ll be her date for her
high school reunion if she’ll just be your “in” for the swing party.
But she’d have to be a pretty damn close friend. Unfortunately, more
often than not, the unescorted male is either extremely socially
awkward or out on the town without his wife. Who would never in a
million years go to a swing party.
My advice is to wait it out and find yourself a woman who won’t mind
experimenting with you. Now that there’s Craig’s List and hundreds of
other hook-up services, there’s really no excuse. And if all you want
to do is wank anyway, I say stay home!
[Written May 2005]
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