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Anatomical Insanity
The Porñata and The LolliCock
Ordinarily
I review actual sex toys for you folks. This time I have a few more
ridiculous adult products. Both are anatomically correct, but they’re
both for external use only. Er, well, almost! One is for consumption
and the other is for amusement.
The LolliCock is labeled as an “all day suck(er)” and boy you’d better
believe it! I sucked and licked for the longest time and barely made a
dent! The skin-toned cock, offering a more realistic experience, is
vanilla. It looks surprisingly like the real thing, if a bit too rigid
for comfortably deep-throating. I suppose it would work just fine as a
sex toy if you don’t mind a bit of sugar sliding into your sugar walls.
Hah! The clear red model is strawberry flavored and I prefer the taste
of that over the vanilla, but the impact isn’t quite a startling. It
still looks like a giant penis, but just not as realistic.
We held a LolliCock Lick-Off Contest at Mondo Porno and a dozen
participants jumped onstage to compete for the $100 cash prize. There
were both men and women, cause guys make good cocksuckers too! Everyone
did their best to lick and caress, swallow and suck, and generally show
off their cocksucking skills. As I mentioned before, deepthroating
wasn’t all that easy, but that didn’t stop the more enthusiastic
competitors from giving it a go. Some more daring folks even bit and
nibbled, which may have helped to chip away at the LolliCock faster,
but I doubt it attracted any potential dates. Who wants a biter? I
suppose they thought they’d be able to make their LolliCock smaller,
but that was a losing battle! It would take endless hours of licking
and sucking to make this baby disappear. And it was a competition of
technique, not speed! The audience had quite a time trying to decide
whose lip-pursings and tongue lashings were most expert. In the end a
hot young babe in a top hat won. I have to admit it became a bit of a
beauty contest, because I didn’t think she was the best cocksucker up
there. But perhaps a perfect cocksucker is in the eye—ahem!—of the
beholder!
LolliCocks are $7.99 and come in watermelon, apple and raspberry, in
addition to the vanilla and strawberry. You can find them at www.lucciworld.com.
I found the Erotic Piñata people at the Vegas AEE convention
back in January and knew I had to give their Porñatas a try.
What better opportunity than a circus themed Mondo Porno party? These
hilarious torsos would be the perfect addition to any adult
extravaganza: bachelor or bachelorette party, retirement,
birthday—anything that requires a bit of raucous behavior and a touch
of sexy, dirty fun. They’re available in both male and female naked
torsos and come decorated with an assortment of accoutrements. The
Angelic Amy model is wearing a pair of black feather wings, the
Devilish Debbie model has a red maribou boa and a devil’s tail and
Betty’s Bare Boobs is a plain, unadulterated female bod. The two men’s
models are Big Bad Bulging Brian, who’s as stripped bare as Betty, and
Louie in Leather, who sports a mucho macho harness. The males also have
a well-defined six-pack of abs and an impressive erection. I can’t say
the same about the female models. Their genitalia isn’t quite as well
defined. But their nipples are pink and juicy!
The porñata arrives carefully packed in styrofoam peanuts ready
to stuff and hang. I filled mine with condoms, candy and clown noses—it
was a circus theme, after all—and even a few butt plugs. I admit to
being a bit overzealous and overstuffing for the San Francisco event
and thus we had to subject that porñata to its beating by having
one of the tall, handsome young men from The Vau De Vire Society hoist
it high abover the crowd. It was simply too heavy to hang and with all
that swag inside it did start to sag a bit. Not the papier maché
mammaries, mind you, but the wire hanger part. So be forwarned: do not
overstuff your porñata! I was slightly more careful at the
Manhattan event, but candy is pretty heavy. You might want to stick
with the condoms and sex toys to stuff your porñata. I’m a
sucker for sweets, but perhaps they just aren’t as grown up as little
packets of lube! They offer packages of sensual toys and erotic edibles
to stuff your porñata that are probably not quite as heavy. I’m
sure they’re also slightly less circus and more sexy!
Each torso is $74.95 plus shipping and the packages of sensual toys and
erotic edibles are $39.95. You can find the Porñata at www.eroticpinata.com.
[Written May 2005]
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