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Archival Abby
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Psychocandy
Volumes 1, 2 and 3
In the
interest of total disclosure, I have to admit that I have a pirate
fetish. I own a custom made pirate coat, wench corset and an amazing
tri-corner hat with numerous feathers, and I do so love to say Aaargh!
Thus it was with a great deal of enthusiasm that I popped the “maiden
voyage” of these three Profane Pirate
releases into my DVD player. After years of fast-forwarding through
porn, it takes a lot to impress me. But these Gen-Yers made me smile.
And soggy.
My initial thought was, this is what it would look like if my friends
made porn! They’ve got cool stuff on their walls, they wear the same
clothes that are hanging in my closet and director/on-screen talent
Benny Profane screws in some amusing T-shirts. Glimpses of cameramen
can be seen at the edges of the screen, giving it an amateur flavor
that not only makes it look like it could be your friends fucking on
camera—if your friends happen to be tattooed goth types—it makes it
hotter.
Everyone looks so new! Just like in all those series that purport to be
breaking new talent. But here it looks, well, real. And definitely
sincere. Plus, not one pair of fake boobs! Just real titties, whether
they’re temptingly small or deliciously large. Oh man, the tattoos! And
the piercings. These are real-deal alternababes, so you fans of Blue
Blood and Sick Chixxx will be pleasantly surprised and pleasingly
aroused. Benny knows how to take care of his ladies, too, with polite
touches like pillows and cushions for their heads when they find
themselves in less-than-comfortable positions.
They’ve obviously all watched plenty of regular porn, cause they’ve got
the five-scene, suck-lick-screw shtick down pretty pat. But that’s
where the resemblance ends. I’m tempted to call this stuff “Hot Topic
Porn,” since the clothes are all modern day interpretations of classic
punk/goth/fetish ensembles that most high school kids can pick up at
the mall. There are striped tights and plaid miniskirts, corsets and
one particularly hot pair of thigh-high black patent leather boots
instead of string bikinis and tight, tacky dresses. Why watch one more
inflated-tit, fake tan Valley bimbo wearing five-inch platforms get
fucked when you can watch a hot tattooed babe with alabaster skin and
real boobs wearing ripped fishnets and black combat boots get fucked
instead? These edgy chicks range from a Dita-esque beauty named Dahlia
to Missy Misfit, a total schoolgirl-type hottie in glasses and the
aforementioned combat boots. There are slender sexpots such as Zoe
Matthews and fleshier lasses like the lovely Zenova Braeden. They’re
all sporting sick makeup and sicker footgear, my personal favorite
being Sexy Lexi’s red patent leather Doc Martens and tube socks combo,
another one of my fetishes.
In Psychocandy Volume 1, the high points are “Blackbeard” screwing a
saucy wench in a powdered wig and LiLi Anne masturbating with a Hello
Kitty vibrator. In Volume 2, Nicole and Jonathan are hookah smoking
pornsters, she in a Wednesday Addams dress and he with a spiky mohawk.
When Sexy Lexi and Benny are paired up, they have three genital
piercings between them. He spews an impressive load onto her tattooed
back. And in Volume 3, Schno is Master to Dahlia’s submissive. He pulls
her hair and does some serious anal plundering, but her squeals are
what will get you off. She is clearly into it and when she looks up at
the camera, you’ll be spraying all over your screen! Zoe and Benny
“cook” in the kitchen and he unloads his cum shot into his own birthday
cake batter. Yum! In every scene, there’s something twisted and
something hilarious, whether it’s a talking stuffed bear, excellent
fetish gear or just plain hot sex between actual real-life couples. It
doesn’t hurt that I met these smutmeisters in Las Vegas and they’re
very nice. Plus, they obviously enjoy what they’re doing, which is what
makes for the best porn. Huzzah!
[Written Jan. 2005]
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