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Camp Cuddly Pines Powertool Massacre
Porno Horror
Starring: Stormy
Daniels, Jessica Drake, Eric Masterson, Voodoo, Tommy Gunn, Keri Sable,
Devon Michaels, Nicole Sheridan, Rita Faltoyano, Rebecca Love, Taryn
Thomas, Katja Kassin, Kinzie Kenner, Cherokee, Katie Morgan, Randy
Spears, Manuel Ferrara, Scott Nails Kris Slater and Mike Horner.
Directed by: Jonathan Morgan
Will Appeal To: Horror movie fans, women who won’t ask for what they want and men with fear of pussy.
Wicked
2005
In honor of the season, I decided to review a porno DVD with a horror
film flavor and coincidentally this silly little tidbit came across my
transom just in time. Camp Cuddly Pines Powertool Massacre is one
really long DVD, my friends, and it comes with all kinds of extras. The
set includes three discs, but I didn’t have the energy to watch them
all. I barely got through the feature. It was that long. In addition to
the actual movie, you get commentary and “choose your experience,”
which means you get to watch without music or in German audio, whatever
that means. On disc 2 you can watch bloopers, casting, trailers, behind
the scenes stuff, the Rayford Cam, cartoons and scenes of The Girls of
Camp Cuddly Pines. Disc 3 contains extended sex scenes, photo galleries
and mucho promotional material, including sex scenes from two other
Wicked pix. I don’t know what the package retails for, but you
definitely get a whole lotta smut for your money!
The porn stars are acting and emoting all over the place here. The
lines are all pretty hilarious and they’re obviously enjoying
themselves. Where they may not be enjoying themselves in the boring,
formulaic sex scenes. Granted, there plenty of them. But there isn’t
one second of cunnilingus. What the hell is that all about? Have
women’s orgasms become that unimportant? I think not! I’m a porn
consumer (okay, porn watcher…tough to consume when it’s, like, free)
and I like to see at least an effort made…a few quick flicks of the
tongue in good faith. Sheesh! Aside from the lack of clit licking, the
sex scenes are the same old stopwatch sex: three minutes of cocksucking
followed by fucking in three different, drill team-esque positions,
culminating almost exclusively with the extended tongue come shot.
Yawn. Thank goodness for the ridiculous dialogue! Though I don’t know
how many people buy porn for the guffaws.
The script utilizes bits and pieces of Blair Witch Project, The Ring, I
Know What You Did Last Summer and the classic Texas Chainsaw Massacre.
And, like any good horror flick, the characters get killed one by one
as they wander off on their own. Except the twist here is that’s it’s
sort of fucking by elimination. The couplings occur by default as
everyone else winds up dead. Well, sorta. But you get the picture. It’s
pretty entertaining. The babes are all hot, most especially in the
insane asylum scene, when Manuel Ferrara gets not double- or
triple-teamed but quadruple-teamed! Yeah! There’s a whole lotta
sucking, fucking and ass licking before the climax, when they each get
their last few licks in before he sprays all four of their upturned
faces. Nice! I also enjoyed the “creepy chick” Ring sex scene between
our badminton team captain and Nicolette Sheridan. Between her goth
makeup and jerky movements and his hilarious lines, it was by far the
most entertaining screw. And though I was pretty tired of the seemingly
endless movie by the last scene, it was a damned hot one. After the
suck and fuck, Masterson single-handedly (dickedly?) DPs his porno slut
date by jamming a dildo up her ass. That’s damn fine dickin’!
I dunno what to make of this overall. It was fun, if a bit lengthy. I
prefer more female-pleasin’, or at least a few side servings of kink,
in my porn. This shit was so straightforward I’m totally convinced that
the heartland is definitely watching a lot of fuck flicks. There’s
nothing in here that would, you know, frighten the horses. Well, except
for the horror movie murdering and powertool massacring, I suppose. I
got a kick out of it!
[Written Oct. 2005]
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